Scars and stretchmarks – becoming body positive

I’ve noticed I have quite a number of scars that I’ve picked up over the years. Most I can tell you how I got, some are so old I honestly can’t remember. But the thing I notice more now are the stretchmarks I have all over my torso.  That to me, worries me a little. It worries me that they are on my tummy and my back and a few other places. I have to be confident in myself about these lines as the scars have stories – like the time I fell of a quad bike and ripped open my hand and knee. Stretchmarks are generally seen as part of pregnancy  (which is not going to be something I do), I don’t want to say oh yeah I was fat – I want to wear a bikini when I go on holiday and feel good about. Thankfully I have found effyourbeautystandards on instagram and am becoming more body positive.

To give you a little background i had always been a little bit bigger but i was sporty at school and went to the gym at uni and dancing the night away in the clubs of Glasgow.  I started my previous relationship a size 12/14 after the relationship before it exploding and I had been crash dieting, living off limited calories.  I knew it would not stay off and it did reappear in avengence but I did weight watchers and lost it again. But it didn’t last. I rocketed up to a size 18 and that seems to be where I stayed.  And that is the issue I was in an unhealthy relationship and food was comfort.

I’ve since lost over 20kgs in total and ditched all my (uk) size 20 clothes and bought my first pair of size 16 jeans in a long time. I have one bra that actually fit. So it swings and roundabout from that point of view. But i’m more financially stable so can go buy new clothes. I’ve had some great compliments and feeling more body positive than I have in a long time.

I will alway be curvy, I will always have scars, I will always remind myself that I have been there and done that. I’m much more than the scars and stretchmarks on my skin. I choose to get tattoos so I have to embrace my natural scars and marks.

My tummy stretchmarks

Slow and steady

It’s late and I’m just away to bed. my weight loss is slow but steady. Every few weeks I plaute but that’s not a problem really. I can usually pinpoint the reason.

Things like I skipped the gym or was out at a party. Those tend to mean I stay the same. I’ve only had one weight gain and it was a week I was feeling low. I’ve learnt a few things the hard way being single again but i’m getting passed all that now.

I’m enjoying the compliments too, I now need to buy new clothes I think.  Several pairs of work trowsers have been put in the too big pile now. I haven’t felt this confident in years.  My skin has taken a bit of a knock this week – probably due to the copious amount of alcohol last weekend but that will pass.

House hunting is still to be done to allow a more permanent base to grow from but having had to back out of another deal I’m learning houses are a complicated business. Still I picked myself up and dusted myself off and saw another house today. Not the right one but at least I’m not in a rut like last time, where I purposely didn’t view anything for months.

I’ve also decided on my third tattoo, which has taken me a long time to do. I promised myself one for every significant birthday and have my 18th and 21st.  Now nearly 18 months since I turned 30, I have a design in mind.  Fingers crossed.

Things a lot of people struggle with

So I’ve had a few weeks at the same weight then last week I had lost some weight then added a kg (2.2lbs) back on.  It’s weird as I haven’t been pushing myself to hard. I did have two meals out last weekend and discovered I had biscuits in the house – oops!

A little bit of weight gain won’t make me stop my fight. I’ll just go back out for an extra walk, or make soup to fill me up.  Keep smiling and keep going.
I’m getting a lot of complements about the weight loss. And have started putting clothes in the ‘too big’ pile and taking stuff out of the ‘too small ‘ pile.  I’m enjoying the gym and clubercise is great fun.  In just over a week I’m doing my first 5k.

I am raising money for charity, one very close to my heart (and many others); cancer research.  When I was 17 I lost my gran to a very rare skin  cancer. She fought for a very long time and I miss her still.  I am about 10 years older than my cousins so remember the person she was before the cancer really took hold.  I remember her hospital stays being short but they got longer and longer as the treatment got more and more intense.

I now hate hospitals after the number of times I visited for my gran, I still have a vivid memory of going to see her in my early teens wearing my dad’s New Zealand rugby shirt when she wasn’t at her best. I get really anxious when I have to go in for anything and I’ve had a fair few runs to a&e with my habits.  I had my first biopsy for a lump when I was in my early 20’s. I have the scar to prove it. It visible so I am comfortable talking about it, that and it was benign.  Because it’s on my arm, because I just went straight back to work like nothing happened.

I also remember how the nurses, and the surgeon treated me. I had a local anaesthetic and watched everything, nearly fainted when I went to sign myself out – so was promptly say down and give a cup of tea and a scone. They where so kind and caring. I’m getting my life back again so I need to give myself a sharp reminder that I have to look after myself because it is just me.

Biopsy scar

Weight loss and Positive Mental Attitude, and all that Jazz…

Some days it hard to be positive, others have a habit of taking away things I cling too.  The last two Fridays at work have been a prime example.  I find it hard when I know people are bitching about me but won’t say anything to my face.  I’m also not about to walk away from a job I love because of one person, I’ll get the advice of my friends and deal with it.  I will be the better person in these circumstances.  It also means for the last two Fridays I’ve been in a foul mood and not spoken to anyone in my department after lunch.

This is also the first week I haven’t lost weight as I’ve been losing a steady 0.5kg a week.  This week I’ve plateaued for the first time 87.3kg (just under 13st 11lbs – two stone less than my heaviest recorded weight).  As the weights dropped off I’ve been getting more and more compliments and am starting to take a lot more pride in how I look, including a haircut and new colour.

I am getting fed by more of my clients on the run up to the exams and working longer hours.  Plus the day of the first exam I had students in I ate about 3000 calories.  So I may have fallen off the wagon slightly.  I tend to find if it’s there I’ll eat it – so biscuits and cakes at work is just as much of a nightmare.  Somewhere in me is a weakness, one I can never put my finger on.  I’ve worked so hard and as much as I don’t want to fail I manage to do so in some way.  When I was younger I could think of myself as naive, I could hide behind my dyslexia and at Uni I went to the gym and I went partying.  I was always slightly chubby or bigger, but that never seemed an issue.  Guys actually seem to like me with curves, I’ve just never felt confident about it!

Anyway, my current issue is my ex, the most recent one.  I’m vaguely on speaking terms with a previous one and the way things are going I will be not speaking to the most recent one for longer than I have too.  He is continuing to make subtle digs at me on facebook.  He is very much of the opinion I walked away because of his health – he has never actually considered mine it would seem as I struggled with my Asthma brought on by allergies and living conditions.  And what should worry people is out of a full week I could account for all bar 20 hours a week – Less than a full day when I couldn’t tell you exactly what I was doing.  Is that living?

My doctor wanted me to see a counsellor or go to a weight management class or something.  My only real release was an art class I went to a few summers back.  Learning to drive gave me a confidence boost and some freedom again.  I dread to think what else I sacrificed to be with him, friends and personal goals and dream would be the tip of the iceberg I suppose.  My weight increased, as did my workload.  I counted the pennies because I was left with no choice but too.  I literally had to make sure I had enough to afford my travel to work every month (public transport or otherwise).  I took a second job just because of this, and that job became my own business.

When you set up your own business you hope to do the best to be successful and have a positive impact.  But when your business partner doesn’t pull their weight then you can understand which partner get bought out.  To survive the weakest link needs to be removed to make the chain stronger.

When the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back happened I think he was in complete shock and then denial for a while.  The fact I had been existing not living seemed to be unfathomable for him.  The fact I was unhappy had gone unnoticed.  He blamed everything else, even my own mother, except himself.  I was hollow and drained because of him because I had had to push myself and take all the strain.  Things had been loveless and passionless for a while, but I never cheated.  I could have, but I didn’t – I chose to be loyal up to the end.

I’ve now started doing all the cathartic things of getting all of his stuff piled up to go to his, getting rid of my wedding emails, image boards and everything else.  I’m unsure what to do with my engagement ring as I paid for it in the end.  I am single, I am happier than I have been in a long time and I can be me again.  It would have been nice to know this 10 years ago, but I’ve changed a lot as a person since then so it probably wouldn’t have made a difference.  All I can say for sure is I know I have to get my priorities straight before I start looking for anything serious again.

And finally – I’m doing my first 5k, in memory of my Gran for cancer research.  Just the thought makes me emotional.

Changes, oh so many changes but I’m still somewhere down the hole

Well, the positive is I’m in my own place, have been about a month now and have dropped under 91kg – this means I’ve lost about 2 stone in old money.  And started to make some new friends and get back in touch with old and go to the gym…

The negative seems to be my ex, lurking in the background.  I’ve set him (and any of his relatives) to acquaintances on FB and basically post friends only since I moved on.  And it took me moving on to get anything done.  His FB posts that I’ve seen are starting to be little digs at me for ‘not accepting him’…etc.

That is not the case.  I had to walk away for my own reasons and my own health.  I had reached breaking point and I couldn’t go back to the bottom of the hole again.  My GP, when in for a general check-up had referred me to counseling and the locum the time after that had suggested I joined a therapy group or see a nutritional specialist to get my weight issue under control.

My weight affects my health directly and the environment I live in directly affects my asthma.  I have practically lost everything in so many ways it’s scary.  Back when I first took a job in Aberdeen we didn’t even spend the night in our first flat as it was flooded by upstairs.  We spent a month at his sisters sleeping on the living room floor into we moved into a flat which wasn’t much better than the first.  It was during this time my asthma went mad to the point I ended up in A&E and on a nebulator for my breathing plus x-rays.

That flat ruined me, I was financially stretched to breaking point.  We had the majority of our stuff in storage plus the rent, so stuff got sold – my stuff.  My PC monitor, my Electric Guitar and My DVD’s.  I never really had much but what I did have meant a lot to me.  He didn’t have a job – I was the sole income.  So when my contract ended and the extension never came we lost the flat and spent several more months back at his sisters.

And it all went downhill from there.  Over three very long and painful years.  I lived in a flat that was never clean or tidy.  I was constantly plagued with my asthma and a ‘perma-cold’ due to my cat allergy.  We grew apart and I just wrapped myself up in work.  Dog walking kept me sane and gave me a reason to get up in the morning and out of the house at weekends when I wasn’t at work.

I once worked it out, in an average week I could account for all bar 20 hours, I was working so many hours and travelling to work and dog walking and this and that I could account for how I spent almost 90% of my time.  That scared me, I had so little time for the things I enjoyed or the opportunity to do so.  During term time I worked like crazy and saved and by the start of the new academic year there was nothing left, and I never seemed to have anything positive to show for it.

I suggested so many things to improve the situation – looking for somewhere ‘nicer’ to live (nearer work), I stopped buying myself clothes until I lost weight and making an effort with the slimming world stuff (but found someone not getting onboard with my health kick for the first time ever).  His own health was causing him to push me away – he may not realise this, but he cut himself off from help and put on a false face.  I could not read him anymore, he’d say he was “fantastic”, and it was a lie – every day he lied to me because I never got a truly honest answer on how he felt.   He went to support groups, but only if I went, even when he was offered lifts when I couldn’t go.

And then it dawned on me – I was giving up my goal, my dream, my happiness for someone else and not in the sense that most couples do – there was no compromise.  I felt I had no say in my own situation, I felt guilty when I went out with friends or doing something for me.  I was being a doormat.  I had laid down and resigned myself to being unhappy and not being able to go for what I wanted.

Throughout my life and my career, I had struggled with interview techniques and my own self-confidence and finally been made permanent was a huge deal for me.  Just like passing my driving test, I may have played it down at the time, but this may have been the turning point for me.  Finding some freedom, finding myself again.

I’m enjoying being on my own for now.  I’m surprised by this, but it’s freedom and my own space and I can be content that I am back in charge of who I am and will be.

It’s been a while…

Okay so teaching and tutoring this year has been super busy, hectic and manic (and any other word you care to choose along those lines). I’ve been developing, implementing and improving two new courses as I go plus had the largest number of student I have ever tutored. I haven’t posted since mid-September, when tutoring went nuts.

However the good news is I have lost weight. I now weigh 93.6kg (14st 10lb) and have dropped a dress size. The main reason I have managed this is my dog! Just after Christmas (28th December to be exact) the ex-sister in-law text me to ask me if I wanted the Dog and I said yes. I now do a LOT of walking, during term-time it’s first thing in the morning, when I get home and just before bed. She has a dog walker during the day whilst I’m at work.  She’s spoiled rotten!

School Holidays have meant very long walks – including 3 hours round the local golf course on morning. She’s been a real drive to loose the weight so I can do Dog agility with her in the future. I’m away at my folks at the moment and she’s bemuse by this whole concept of a garden she can just wander around. So being exposed to Slimming World, so we’ll see if that’s a good option for me to keep shifting the weight.

Exercise and Vegetables

I’ve been eating less meat, more cous cous and portion control.  Plus doing exercise four times a week (Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays at the moment).  I’m keeping this up at the moment.  I’ve not been too fussed at the less meat thing.  Okay I’m still putting chicken or ham in my sandwiches but at night it’s usually vegetable based.  Generally my weight seems to be about 100 kg.  I haven’t been calorie counting as such.

I’ve been conscious of my weight for a while now.  I got Facebook tagged in photos from about 10 years ago – eek! I was at least a size 16.  I know I lost a fair amount of weight as I was a size 12/14.  But at Uni I went to the gym and was single for a while.  I went out and got drunk and danced the night a way – that’s how I think I kept the weight off.  I also did the silly things like crash dieting, really limited my calories and variety.  Not my smarts move.

I’ve done Weight Watchers with some success, just never kept it off.

Catch up post

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Simply put too busy, the healthy eating hasn’t been forgotten but my work has been manic to say the least.  I have paperwork coming out of my ears – bureaucracy gone mad!  I’ve got a full time table and extra laden on top of that too.

Today is the first time I’ve done some exercise – proper exercise that is.  I found I had another EA active disc for the Wii, more exercises and it has a six week challenge – that should help me motivate.  Plus I can choose what days I get to exercise – which may help me stick to it.

Had some food faus pax and some healthy days.  And my weight has been floating between 100.5 and 99 kgs.  I did however find a sheet from January this year when the school did pounds for pounds – I weighed just under 104 kg and got down to my starting weight for the summer 101/100 kgs.

Update on Week 9 & 10 – two weeks condensed into a very short post (in theory)

Okay so I’ve changed from Zoom to My Meal Mate.  It’s a British Calorie counter.  It’s taken a bit of getting used to but I’m slowly getting the hang of it and the changes I’m having to make.

Another change we’ve made it Stevia, a natural sweetener, instead of sugar.  Which was included in the loaf pictured below.

The other half is putting his magazine subscription to good use and cooked Chicken Kiev’s from the Health Food Guide – with skinny chips.  I think I’ll find the recipe and post in later.

 

I started back to school on Monday (Week 10) and the kids came back on Tuesday.  I found that having a set lunch wasn’t actually that bad but found I’d gotten out of routine.  I’m going to take more fruit and herbal teas……Plus I’ve been having toasted sandwich for breakfast instead of cereal.

My other half been cooking and we’ve been working on Portion Control  We have oven chips with home made pizza and a small portion of bean.  In fact the dough was halved and small pizza’s made! 

 

So realistically my weight hasn’t changed but I have been tutoring already – so tea and biscuits from clients.  My mum also sent me up a Slimming World magazine, so now thinking about going to the local group to see if that helps as well.

Realistically my meals have been very similar to prior to the school holidays as I’m stuck to a rigid lunch breaks, and my day’s off I’m thinking of the best options.

Week 8

I have one week left of the school holidays now, this time next week I’ll be getting ready for school again.

I think everyone know’s what my ‘Usual Breakfast’ – Shreddies, milk and tea.

Monday – Usual Breakfast, a glass of diluting juice.  Lunch was the elk with tomato sauce and polenta.  Then ryvita cracker bread with BANANA curd!  Dinner was the last of the Elk and polenta with a veggie burger. More cracker breads with curd and mikado. Just over 1600 Calories.

Tuesday – Guess what usual breakfast. Diluting Juice again. Lunch was Quorn Bites with mushrooms and relish,  Followed by Fruits and a fruit biscuit.  Dinner was fish and chips and a glass of wine a ice pole.  I did do a tonne of house work – had 1800 calories but had less than 1600 calories!

Wednesday – I had to have a herbal tea with honey as I had a sore throat this morning.  Later on I had my normal breakfast. I was out for lunch so I had a sanpellergrino juice with a egg may sandwich and butternut squash.  Dinner when I got home for work was our home made sweet and sour with rice (Hairy Bikers again) with a glass of wine. Less than 100 calories over – that’ll be the glass of wine!

Thursday – you guessed it usually breakfast.  Turkey burger in a roll (with tomato sauce) followed by a roll with curd. Plus a ginger beer.  Dinner was fish fingers, oven chips and baked beans.  Plus a glass of wine and a raspberry ripple moose.  Exactly 100 over – wine!

Friday – breakfast was the usual.  I had cranberry juice instead of diluting juice.  Plus lunch was a toasted roll with baked beans and a little cheese.  Our Graze boxes arrived so half a flapjack each (apple and cinnamon), and half a Herby bread basket and some very dark chocolate.  We had dinner out with the other halves sister, her bloke and their daughter (now 18).  So Steak and a baked potato for me with peas and everyone else tomatoes (a full grilled one and two very large slices) plus a big grilled mushroom!  I had a cider, a pear J20 then dessert was a chocolate tart with ice cream.  I redeemed myself by taking their dog out for two walks (a quick 15 minutes then a 45 minute run round the park).

Saturday – Bagel for Breakfast with banana curd and a cup of tea.  Graze boxes (halved again) Chilli Crackers and Healthy heart nuts.  Lunch was a fish cake and garlic bread and some baked beans. The last of my ginger beer.  Dinner was sausages in bread rolls (low fat sausages) and a cider. 2000 calories (fine if it was a normal 2000 calorie day)

Sunday – Bagel again today with a banana.  Herbal tea with half a graze brownie and salsa fresca (only 50 calories), later on we raided our snack a jacks (caramel) and then yoghurt covered rice crackers.  About five we had a banana sandwich and a corner yoghurt.  Later dinner of pasta and tomato sauce with hard cheese grated over the top with cider and another graze pouch (copacabana).  Over 2000 Calories.

Okay not the best week in keeping to calories, but I did cleaning and walked the dog so I have done some exercise.  But I do need to do more.  Our graze boxes – will only be once a month and I have picked the low calorie options.  I have to admit I did stand on the scales and was 100 kilos.  So fingers crossed I can keep it up.  No Photo’s this week as I’ve not had many interesting things to photo….maybe next week.