Well, the positive is I’m in my own place, have been about a month now and have dropped under 91kg – this means I’ve lost about 2 stone in old money. And started to make some new friends and get back in touch with old and go to the gym…
The negative seems to be my ex, lurking in the background. I’ve set him (and any of his relatives) to acquaintances on FB and basically post friends only since I moved on. And it took me moving on to get anything done. His FB posts that I’ve seen are starting to be little digs at me for ‘not accepting him’…etc.
That is not the case. I had to walk away for my own reasons and my own health. I had reached breaking point and I couldn’t go back to the bottom of the hole again. My GP, when in for a general check-up had referred me to counseling and the locum the time after that had suggested I joined a therapy group or see a nutritional specialist to get my weight issue under control.
My weight affects my health directly and the environment I live in directly affects my asthma. I have practically lost everything in so many ways it’s scary. Back when I first took a job in Aberdeen we didn’t even spend the night in our first flat as it was flooded by upstairs. We spent a month at his sisters sleeping on the living room floor into we moved into a flat which wasn’t much better than the first. It was during this time my asthma went mad to the point I ended up in A&E and on a nebulator for my breathing plus x-rays.
That flat ruined me, I was financially stretched to breaking point. We had the majority of our stuff in storage plus the rent, so stuff got sold – my stuff. My PC monitor, my Electric Guitar and My DVD’s. I never really had much but what I did have meant a lot to me. He didn’t have a job – I was the sole income. So when my contract ended and the extension never came we lost the flat and spent several more months back at his sisters.
And it all went downhill from there. Over three very long and painful years. I lived in a flat that was never clean or tidy. I was constantly plagued with my asthma and a ‘perma-cold’ due to my cat allergy. We grew apart and I just wrapped myself up in work. Dog walking kept me sane and gave me a reason to get up in the morning and out of the house at weekends when I wasn’t at work.
I once worked it out, in an average week I could account for all bar 20 hours, I was working so many hours and travelling to work and dog walking and this and that I could account for how I spent almost 90% of my time. That scared me, I had so little time for the things I enjoyed or the opportunity to do so. During term time I worked like crazy and saved and by the start of the new academic year there was nothing left, and I never seemed to have anything positive to show for it.
I suggested so many things to improve the situation – looking for somewhere ‘nicer’ to live (nearer work), I stopped buying myself clothes until I lost weight and making an effort with the slimming world stuff (but found someone not getting onboard with my health kick for the first time ever). His own health was causing him to push me away – he may not realise this, but he cut himself off from help and put on a false face. I could not read him anymore, he’d say he was “fantastic”, and it was a lie – every day he lied to me because I never got a truly honest answer on how he felt. He went to support groups, but only if I went, even when he was offered lifts when I couldn’t go.
And then it dawned on me – I was giving up my goal, my dream, my happiness for someone else and not in the sense that most couples do – there was no compromise. I felt I had no say in my own situation, I felt guilty when I went out with friends or doing something for me. I was being a doormat. I had laid down and resigned myself to being unhappy and not being able to go for what I wanted.
Throughout my life and my career, I had struggled with interview techniques and my own self-confidence and finally been made permanent was a huge deal for me. Just like passing my driving test, I may have played it down at the time, but this may have been the turning point for me. Finding some freedom, finding myself again.
I’m enjoying being on my own for now. I’m surprised by this, but it’s freedom and my own space and I can be content that I am back in charge of who I am and will be.
The diet doesn't start tomorrow 