Some days it hard to be positive, others have a habit of taking away things I cling too. The last two Fridays at work have been a prime example. I find it hard when I know people are bitching about me but won’t say anything to my face. I’m also not about to walk away from a job I love because of one person, I’ll get the advice of my friends and deal with it. I will be the better person in these circumstances. It also means for the last two Fridays I’ve been in a foul mood and not spoken to anyone in my department after lunch.
This is also the first week I haven’t lost weight as I’ve been losing a steady 0.5kg a week. This week I’ve plateaued for the first time 87.3kg (just under 13st 11lbs – two stone less than my heaviest recorded weight). As the weights dropped off I’ve been getting more and more compliments and am starting to take a lot more pride in how I look, including a haircut and new colour.
I am getting fed by more of my clients on the run up to the exams and working longer hours. Plus the day of the first exam I had students in I ate about 3000 calories. So I may have fallen off the wagon slightly. I tend to find if it’s there I’ll eat it – so biscuits and cakes at work is just as much of a nightmare. Somewhere in me is a weakness, one I can never put my finger on. I’ve worked so hard and as much as I don’t want to fail I manage to do so in some way. When I was younger I could think of myself as naive, I could hide behind my dyslexia and at Uni I went to the gym and I went partying. I was always slightly chubby or bigger, but that never seemed an issue. Guys actually seem to like me with curves, I’ve just never felt confident about it!
Anyway, my current issue is my ex, the most recent one. I’m vaguely on speaking terms with a previous one and the way things are going I will be not speaking to the most recent one for longer than I have too. He is continuing to make subtle digs at me on facebook. He is very much of the opinion I walked away because of his health – he has never actually considered mine it would seem as I struggled with my Asthma brought on by allergies and living conditions. And what should worry people is out of a full week I could account for all bar 20 hours a week – Less than a full day when I couldn’t tell you exactly what I was doing. Is that living?
My doctor wanted me to see a counsellor or go to a weight management class or something. My only real release was an art class I went to a few summers back. Learning to drive gave me a confidence boost and some freedom again. I dread to think what else I sacrificed to be with him, friends and personal goals and dream would be the tip of the iceberg I suppose. My weight increased, as did my workload. I counted the pennies because I was left with no choice but too. I literally had to make sure I had enough to afford my travel to work every month (public transport or otherwise). I took a second job just because of this, and that job became my own business.
When you set up your own business you hope to do the best to be successful and have a positive impact. But when your business partner doesn’t pull their weight then you can understand which partner get bought out. To survive the weakest link needs to be removed to make the chain stronger.
When the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back happened I think he was in complete shock and then denial for a while. The fact I had been existing not living seemed to be unfathomable for him. The fact I was unhappy had gone unnoticed. He blamed everything else, even my own mother, except himself. I was hollow and drained because of him because I had had to push myself and take all the strain. Things had been loveless and passionless for a while, but I never cheated. I could have, but I didn’t – I chose to be loyal up to the end.
I’ve now started doing all the cathartic things of getting all of his stuff piled up to go to his, getting rid of my wedding emails, image boards and everything else. I’m unsure what to do with my engagement ring as I paid for it in the end. I am single, I am happier than I have been in a long time and I can be me again. It would have been nice to know this 10 years ago, but I’ve changed a lot as a person since then so it probably wouldn’t have made a difference. All I can say for sure is I know I have to get my priorities straight before I start looking for anything serious again.
And finally – I’m doing my first 5k, in memory of my Gran for cancer research. Just the thought makes me emotional.
The diet doesn't start tomorrow 